my last post, for real.

Tumblr has been a great distraction for me during the darkest period of my life. Its been a great vehicle of self expression for me. 

I am going to prison in the next few days to serve 30-36 month sentence. I’ve never been to prison and I am more scared than I have ever been.

My crime was money related, but the funny thing about money is that it is a social construct built around social relations. The power of money is precisely in its symbolism.

I had built a good life for myself when I began to do self-destructive things, seemingly without purpose.

I’ve hurt everyone I care for.

There has been really dark moments when I thought about just ending my life. 

But I think that would only compound my own selfishness. 

I am going to get through prison. I am going to try to heal some of the pain I’ve caused and live everyday knowing I can never heal it all. I am going to live with that pain for the rest of my life. But I will do it.

I am going to pay back money. I am going to accept the scorn of others, and I am going to do it with dignity.

Like I said, I am very fucking scared.

But I have come to believe that we are not defined by our worst moments, but how we overcome them and transform them.

I have had so much incredible support from my partner, my family and my friends and community than I believe I deserved.

I have a lot of work to do. I am going to work on myself in every way I can.

Hopefully when I am done with prison, Tumblr will still be as cool as it is now.

Thank you all.